Divorce: When Things Are Not What They Seem

based upon the last post i wrote about divorce, i received this situation. i wanted to discuss it in a little more depth than just in a comment. so here it is:

so just for discussion’s sake. a man marries a woman who seems to be everything she says she is (bible believing christian) and after the marriage, it is revealed that she is not at all who she led him to believe. she even commits adultery after separating herself from him. she does not want to reconcile. what should the man do?

my initial response i think must always go back to what God has commanded about divorce. in the Torah, because the hardness of our hearts, God told Moses to allow divorce, but gave a prescribed manner to do so. so first, it is important to understand that God has done this in the past. He desires that we obey Him completely, but He is merciful and shows us great lovingkindness. He therefore, adjusts to give us the opportunity to restore our relationship with Him after we sin. this obviously is fulfilled completely in Messiah. but to give another example (besides the divorce certificate), at the end of Deuteronomy, God tells Israel that they are not to desire a king like the peoples living in the Canaan….BUT He then goes on to say that He knows they will ask for a king. therefore, He commands them, in light of the foreknowledge of their disobedience, to not have a king with many wives and other principles for being a king.

God surely bestows lovingkindness more than we deserve.

but to return to the issue at hand, we now must move forward a couple thousand years. after God, through Moses, allowed a certificate of divorce, Messiah Yeshua gave us a stricter interpretation of the Torah. His interpretation comes from Genesis, for He says, “from the beginning, it was not so”. He points out that God intended a husband and wife to be one flesh. the word used for “one” in Genesis is “echad”, which is the same word that God uses in the Sh’ma (Hear O Israel, LORD God is one). how can one flesh separate any more than God can separate His persons?! so Yeshua holds his disciples to a higher standard, God’s perfect will.

at the same time, we are not always discussing divorce among believers. in the case provided above, it appears that the wife is unbelieving. so, now, we have a different situation. this is not necessarily what Yeshua addresses, as she is not His disciple. however, another disciple of Messiah gave commentary on His teaching, let’s look at 1 Cor 7:10-16:

“to the married i give this command (not i, but the Lord): a wife must not separate from her husband. but if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. and a husband must not divorce his wife.” here, paul makes is clear that Yeshua commanded we DO NOT divorce as His disciples. and notice, paul gives a higher standard to the man. (possibly, he gave the women an opportunity to separate for the reason of domestic violence??)

but then paul continues, “to the rest i say this (i, not the Lord): if any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. and if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. for the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” notice, paul makes it very clear that he is speaking on his own authority, not for Yeshua. he is stating his personal opinion. his opinion is that, in the case of a believing and unbelieving couple, the believer should remain with the unbeliever, as long as the other partner is willing. personally, i think this is a wise perspective, although not a command. i think this ultimately comes from Yeshua’s command, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” because if we truly love our spouse, regardless of their unbelief (which hopefully we do), then we would want to remain with them to share our faith with them.

then, paul concludes with, “but if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. a believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” so in this case, if the separation is initiated by the unbeliever, paul says the believer (again remember this is still just his opinion) has no duty to do otherwise. his rationale is that of maintaining peace (shalom). with reference to shalom, paul also says in his letter to the Romans, “if it is possible as much as depends on you live [with shalom] with all men.” so what i think paul is getting at is this: we must not try to force others to do something which will cause contention and strife. the unbeliever has no command, like we do, to remain married. thus, they will not necessarily agree with God’s command. as result, a believer could become self-righteous and cause more strife rather than bring peace.

but, if paul can give his personal opinion, so can i. i, personally, think it is extremely important if we love our spouse (an unbelieving spouse) that we do our best to remain with “shalom” with our spouse. you see, shalom means more than just not fighting, it means a spirit of unity as well. in this sense, if we are disunited from our spouse, we are no longer in “shalom” with them. however, as paul said, if they will not remain coupled with us, then we must, for sake of shalom, allow them to leave.

one final word, on the topic of the last resort of allowing an unbelieving spouse to leave, i know a man who loved his son. his son began to go down another path, which leads to destruction. his father did his best to turn him aside from this path, but his son was becoming an adult, and he decided, for the sake of long term shalom, he would allow his son to choose his own path. he gave him his entire inheritance, and allowed him to leave. the son wasted all of the inheritance on his destructive lifestyle, and soon found himself in the alley with the bums. he came to his senses, and thought, “my father even has maids who get better paid than this, i will go home and ask to clean the house.” he then came home. his father was extremely pleased, his son returned. but the man didnt make him a servant, he restored his place in the family. you see, this man was wise, because he desired shalom with his son, but he knew that his son would ultimately make his own decisions in life. therefore, to preserve the possibility of future shalom, he allowed his son to leave. and in the end, shalom was restored.

he who has ears to hear, let him hear.