Divorce: What Happens When a Partner is Unfaithful?

in my second post about divorce, i received the question:

I guess my only question - Jesus made it clear that in the case of marital infidelity (which was a factor in the question), divorce was PERMISSIBLE, though not REQUIRED.
That said, I would agree that it’s God’s will that a couple stay together for life, but if one chooses to separate in light of marital infidelity, I don’t know that they are condemned by the word of God-would you believe differently?

i decided to write another post in response to this question. this is a great question. and up front, i think it is one which the Body of Messiah can disagree about. Yeshua himself is not clear in what He means about the situation. there are three relevant passages. two similar ones from matthew and one from mark. so let’s look a little at Yeshua’s teaching:

Matthew 5:31-32
31“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’32But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19 pretty much says the same thing.

Mark 10:2-12
2And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”3He answered them, “What did Moses command you?”4They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.”5And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.6But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’7‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, [fn1] 8and they shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.9What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 10And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter.11And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her,12and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

first, i want to address the passage in mark. in this instance, Yeshua doesnt even give the possibility of divorce for sexual immorality. instead, He recites Genesis where God says a husband and wife become one (like in the last post, the word is “echad”). and then Yeshua makes a pretty bold statement, do not separate what God has joined. so, what i believe Yeshua is saying is that there is a very special connection that God creates between a man and women who sleep together. and we see this in our world today. in the case of premarital sex, the couple is generally much closer than most young couples. i believe this is because they have slept together. there is something that is beyond physical when we sleep with someone. this is why people who have had multiple partners are so hardened, i think. so Yeshua is saying that there is really no excuse to divorce someone whom we have become “echad” with.

however, just as Moses, Yeshua gives us a way out in the matthean passages, or does He?

on face value, in the english translation, Yeshua seems to be saying that in the case of adultery, it is okay to divorce one’s spouse. but let us look a little more in depth at the words in greek. Yeshua uses the word “porneia”, which means:

1) illicit sexual intercourse
a) adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals etc.
b) sexual intercourse with close relatives; Lev. 18
c) sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman; Mk. 10:11,12
2) metaph. the worship of idols
a) of the defilement of idolatry, as incurred by eating the sacrifices offered to idols

this is interesting, as the word means more than just adultery. it really means more of like “sexual immorality” of any kind. whereas, there is a word in greek that means nothing except adultery, which is the word “moicheia”.

so Yeshua didn’t use the word that means nothing but adultery. instead, He used the word that can often mean various forms of sexual immorality. Yeshua could have meant a few things. so let’s think through the possibilities. one possibility is that Yeshua meant that there is an exception to His teaching about divorce if there is adultery committed. but, i personally, think the more likely example is that of fornication, ie pre-marital sex. now, that seems a little odd in regard to a passage about divorce. how can a married person have pre-marital sex? well, if we think in terms of God’s standards of marriage, maybe we can get a better idea. for instance, when Jacob took Leah and Rachel to be his wife, there was no marriage ceremony. he merely took them in his tent and they became married. you see, in an ancient Hebrew mind, marriage was not accomplished by the ceremony, but by the consummation. so, i personally feel (which is another reason that pre-marital sex is such a big deal), that God views a couple who sleeps together before they are married as “married”. they have become “echad”.

now, let’s apply this to Yeshua’s teaching on divorce. if the word porneia was referring to pre-marital sex, then what could Yeshua be meaning? i think what He may have meant was that there are many foolish people (many of us who have fallen in such ways) who fall into sin as young adults. so instead of setting the course of one’s life by a foolish decision to sleep with one’s girlfriend or boyfriend(or worse, a one-night stand), Yeshua is giving us a way out. He would be saying that (obviously, i think if there is a child born as a result of the pre-marital sex, then things change entirely) we have an opportunity to repent of our sin and find a godly spouse, rather than being stuck with the sins of our youth.

however, i may be wrong. there is another possibility we have to look at. the word porneia also can mean all kinds of perverted sexual acts, like homosexuality and bestiality. so Yeshua could be referring to those. He could be saying that in the case of marital unfaithfulness with another person of the same gender or with an animal, etc, that divorce would be acceptable.

i think these are the primary possibilities that Yeshua could have been teaching. personally, i lean toward the second option, but i think that there is definitely room for disagreement within the Body. on the other hand, this teaching (whatever He specifically means) has to be kept in context of His primary point and the passage in mark (and with paul’s teaching). Yeshua’s point is that divorce is a BIG deal. and that there is no room for it within God’s best plan. so instead of looking at the negative side and asking how far can we go, let us think about how close we can become with our spouse. and instead of thinking about how we can divorce without sinning, let us work our best to create shalom between us and our spouse.

may we love one another. may all of our marriages truly find the shalom of Messiah in them.